this open road...

26th December 2005
sometimes its sunny..other times its rainy...but it something i see...that leads me to be free..

sometimes its narrow...like there's no tomorrow...like the cloud's give sorrow..and it feels so hollow..

sometimes it's wider....like i feel a bit smarter...tho i wish i'm wiser..when in doubt U're nearer..

and just like a fresh heal...i ride ahead in these old wheels..be it dented be it real...i look ahead n i see no steel..i look behind not sure if its sealed..

the sun is up n so is me...i try my best to be just me..i ride ahead to see what degree...u can adapt to this old me..

sometimes its sunny..other times its rainy...but be whtever itLL be...this open road and silly me.

cheers!

thank U

11 December 2005

u,
the one who took it all...
the one who let me fall..
when nothing matters besides this wall..
then u left me to figure it all...
thank u.


u,
the one who made me sweet...
the one that skipped me a beat...
the one i secretly meet..
the one i borrowed this love a bit...
thank u.


u,
the one ive never met...
the one i wish i could've kept...
the one who could've save me from wet....
the one who could take this threat..
thank u.


u,
the one who keeps my blue...
the one who makes me new...
the one who always knew...
then one i shared this brew...
thank u.


u,
the one who showed life again..
the one that finds comfort in pain..
the one that shared this rain...
the one iLL never see again..
thank u.


u,
the one who taught me breathLess...
the one who fights for something worthLess..
the one who's just as thoughtLess...
the one who's just as clueLess....
thank u.


u,
the one i dunt belong....
the one i met not so long...
the one that made me strong....
the one that showed me this is wrong...
thank u.


and thank u,
to the one that believd in me...
to the one that realised me...
to the one that cheated me...
to the one that loved me...
to the one that left me...

i have nothing in return but......
thank u.

cheers!

mencari arti...

10 december 2005

hari ini bermimpi lagi. suatu yang indah di hiba ini. aku berlari menjauhi hari. mendekati diri mencari arti.

hari ini aku bersedih lagi. entah sampai bila berulang lagi. perasaan sunyi kian pekat selubungi. terusan jauh dari segala arti.

semalam aku terjatuh lagi. tersungkur harapan yang ingin dikecapi. aku tidak selalu begini. selagi gagah mencari arti.

semalam aku juga bermimpi. melihat pada yang telah terjadi. menilai pada segala komposisi.ternyata tidak kurang dari tragedi.lekas aku mencari arti.

semalam aku berharap lagi. suatu jasad menghadir kan diri. bukan sebarang yang dikehendaki . tapi yang menyimpan apa itu arti.

semalam aku menghilangkan diri. dari ceria dan sedia ini. aku hilang mencari pelangi. suatu yang hanya aku fahami. suatu yang hanya mempuyai arti.

semalam aku bermain api.tidak ku peduli luka d hati.aku degil meniti hari.selagi tidak ku jumpa mati.selagi itu ku mencari arti.

cheers!
p/s: lekasla pergi gundah ini....

rebah....

7 December 2005

kosong hati ini...
entah apa lagi yang perlu diisi...
harus kah ia diisi lagi?

sunyi datang lagi...
seperti yang semalam hari....
mengapakah ini yang terjadi?

sendiri ku lalui ini..
segala onak indah dan naluri...
sering ku tanya selama kah ini?

aku hembus lagi nafas ini...
rebah sehingga datangnya hari....
tidak perlu bertanya lagi...

ku hembus pasti...

cheers!

much calmer...

4th december 2005

my paper is less then 12 hours.....
ive still got loads more to memorize.....
its something im more of less fonder...
(but im much calmer)

been breathing "puffs" ...
more than my usual number...
to get high even tho its with filter..
(but im much calmer)

like usual im just a loner..
tho he's here to make me warmer...
still i wonder and still i ponder...
(but im much calmer)

im not for tommorrow..
dunt care about the year that follow..
hate to wonder whats sure to sorow
(but someHow ...........................................
...................................................................................................im much calmer)

cheers!
currycurry

how can u tell..

22 November 2005 (LateLate nite)

i wonder..deep in my heart...i question every glimps of situation...every sip of frustration...they say i will know...they say he will come....after the lust n mere slumber...things will come clear....he will come near....

i ponder....deep in my thoughts....maybe just some wasted thoughts...or maybe i am none of sorts...i wonder deep in this smokedFull thoughts....tho i wonder what ive ever thought....
im never near wht i have been taught....



i stand still in this room...
i stand still.

can u tell?

dreaming of u

20th November 2005.

im tired tonite. im weak tonite ..but all i could think of...is to dream tonite...
im hopeful tonite. im wishful tonite.. but all i could thin...is of u tonite....

im loneLy tonite.im restLess tonite.but all i could think of..is to kiss u tight
im helpLess tonite.im hopeLess alright. but all i could think of. is to dream of u....
of u.

cheers.

selintas di pikiranKu

18November 2005

aku terkhayal sebentar...dalam kesesakan kertas dan kepantasan masa...terlintas sebentar lalu terlekat menyapa....apakah itu cantek...apakah itu indah...apakah yang dikata seindah kata, seindah rupa....

aku terhenti sebentar...dalam keheningan petang dan kesilauan semalam...pernah cantek dikatakan padaku...tetapi bukan maksud pada waktu itu...pernah anggun juga dikata...tetapi pabila ku berubah jua....

aku berkhayal seketika....dan beranggap mungkin jua...cantek itu tiada pada yang berisi....atau pada yang sentiasa susah hati....cantek itu tiada di hati ini...cuma rupa aja yang dihakimi...mungkinkah aku begitu jua....mencari peneman berasaskan rupa?

aku terpikir sebentar...dalam kelemahan semangat dan kesayuan hati....perlukah aku berubah..perlukah aku kalah..pada pandangan dan pemahaman...tentang arti cantek dan keindahan diri...yang tiada pada yang berisi?

lantas aku terus bepikir lagi...terusan berpusing lagi....ingin mencari jawaban pasti...tapi aku pikir hanya minit ini....malas untuk aku berpikir lagi......

hanya selintas di fikiranku...
hanya selintas...

cheers!..

bitterSweet symphony*

14th November 2005

give me sugar... and iLL be sweeter... but watch me closer..
for i am bitter...

give me bitter.....n nothing gets better....but watch me closer...n iLL make life sweeter...

give me an answer...a lie or maybe another....say im weaker....say ure better...

give me a name.... or something to blame....but dont b ashamed....when u know...i'm just the same...

give me leather...a notion or a letter...tell me what matters...n iLL whisper u "sweetForever"...

give me a treat...beads or maybe some Keats...tell me im neat.....and iLL give u bitterSweet.

cheers!

*...cause its a bitterSweet symphony...that's Life.....lalalalala*

berlaluLah sudah ramadhan....

28th October 2005

.dan sini muncul penghujung ramadhan...seperti hiba terasa di jiwa...tetapi jangan bsedih pula...syawal kan akan muncul pula...
.ramadhan ini lain sekali...bukan seperti yang sebelum ini..bukan bersama keluarga dicintai...tetapi bersama teman sebati...
.pasar ramadhan muncul tiba...pelbagai juadah pembuka selera..tetapi tahun ini tidak pula haloba...cuma cukup sekadar berdua...
..ramdhan ini pantas sekali...seperti tidak begitu dirasai...tetapi sayu agar dirahmati....tetap sentiasa diharap menanti...
.kini ramadhan berlalu lagi....pintu insaf tertutup kembali...hati akan merindui lagi...tapi hati akan terjawap nanti...tatkala ramadhan menjelma lagi....
(insyAllah)


cheers!

curryCurry

mataKuyu

26thOctober 2005

(im buzy on my last week before raya!!!)

.i'm doin somethin lateLy that makes me feel eppy. rosy cheek eppy. feel beautiful.feel wanted.feel giddy. n of course..... Lazy.. its a mutual thing but im sufferin alone. its a feel that lasts the least time yet im holding on it like it'LL last forever. alot of people will get hurt if they know. i will loose a lot of faith and hope. but i just cant let it go. i can't' let this go.but eventually iLL have to. eventually i need to. eventually itLL get trampled upon all over again n iLL hear myself go "told u so ".eventually iLL find my way back.my definition of "right decision". eventually ILL cry n cursed it never started.......... n yet it makes me feel eppy. rosy cheek eppy..........



p/s: hy JK..u feel my boredom here?..hehehe

cheers!

Lost n b Loved (always) toOur First Lady*alFatihah*

20 October 2005

cuaca begitu bersekali bersama pemergian mu...hati begitu sayu mengenang ketiadaan mu
...aku tidak pernah bersempatan menemui mu...tapi khabar mu sentiasa bersama ku....

walau jauh
aku terus berdoa...
walau tidak kenal
aku terus menadah...
walau telah pergi
aku akan berfatihah....................

semoga ALLAH mencucuri rahmat ke atas Allahyarhamah Datin Seri Endon, isteri Perdana Menteri.
(alFatihah)

[this blogger rest her thoughts for today]

findingLurve?

was offline a few days....
12 October 2005- I put up my parents pics beside my mouse here at the office…mmmm….source of inspiration?....i guess…what sort of inspiration am I lookin at here….

Two people I dearLy love….formally sitting together ..i look at abah n I always see me…im the “mini-me” of him….hehehe…I copycat eThing he does….hoping one day iLL get to b where he is today….well-respected, honest, admired by most, smart and loving….i look at mama…n I wish I had her courage, ..her confidence. her ability to stay calm even in the most outrages moments. …inappropriate times ….gosh am I looking at them…

At this very moment.. one source of inspiration I can feel from this is…their passion for each other….and after all these years…its still there…..abah with his harsh language when telling a story n ma reminding how improper someOne of his status should say anything like that…….when I was little, at lunchtime, mama will always get a phonecall…just one phone call…it may b a brief one, or a gossip or just to say hello…and its always from abah…n yep…its still there….ma’s not working anymore n abah calls sometimes more than once…..

I look at them n I envy their companionship, how they compliment each other…how one fine lady can live wit a very outspoken men n have many laughs along the way….yeah so we’ve got out hard moments….i will never forget that day we had to send laober to perak…. When I saw abah dropped a tear…or ma’s concern the day I was diagnosed when I locked the door, swearing I wont open it till I die ….(eventually I opened it..heheh…me n my drama’s)….or when ma cried even harder the day I let my first love away….they’ve got passion in them in everything they touch…..so I blame my passionate instinct on them(heheheeh)..

Most of the time I tend to wonder,,,,

Will there ever a time I look at the pic…n I see me n my companion?...that one person I love and adore ( n hate ) at the same time…the one person that will annoy me at times….but will always have my back?....will I ever find the courage to find the better half of me?...will I look back 30 years from now n realized ive been laughing all my life?....will there ever be that moment where I look around me…n all I can see are my parents’ passion of Life, that ive brought down to my children n grandchildren?

(insyaAllah)
curryCurry

...tidak mahu ku ingat lagi**..(sing it like awie!!.haha)

11 October 2005

...lalu aku terima lamarannya....pagi ini...aku sahut cintanya...
semalaman aku pikirkan....adakah ini suatu manisan hidup..adakah ini kebahagian manusia?...adakah ini seperti yang aku cari?...

...lalu aku terima salamnya...pagi ini....aku sahut hasratnya...
semalaman aku tersenyum....semalaman persoalannya berlegar..adakah ini yang akan aku sayangi?..hingga akhir dan ke kubur nanti?...adakah ini seperti yang aku impi?

...lalu dunia berubah kini...semalam hanya tinggal mimpi...aku senyum seindah pagi...aku kini telah disayangi....hidup kini bermakna lagi..

....ini semua pada hari ini....dunia sudah berubah kini........
11 Oktober 2001.
suatu tarikh tidak dilupa lagi...suatu tarikh kau hadir sendiri...
suatu rasa suatu erti...cuba ditafsir..si gadis ini...

suatu tarikh yang harus aku benci...
suatu tarikh tidak perlu diulangi...
suatu tarikh yang amat aku rindui....
suatu tarikh perlu aku lupai....

cheers!

p/s: and after all these years...after all these tears....i still do look back....n i still longed for it to last....but it's something of the past....he's something that didnt last......

;<
(i feel numb...numb in the heart (aaaaaaaah!!...drama aja aku nie....piff!)

** from the song tragedi oktober- by our very own awie(u rawk dude!)

mual.....

7th October 2005

rasa janggal ini..
tiba-tiba menghampiri....
tatkala bersendiri....
pada malam ini.....

rasa pahit ini....
tiba-tiba menusuki..
tatkala mentari...
sudah lama pergi.....

rasa mual ini....
terusan menghampiri..
peluh pula yang ku rasai..
mata ini perlu ditutupi...

terusan rasa ini...
menghampiri tekak ini...
mencengkam tika dilamuni...
mata ini harus ditutupi....

lemah badan lelah dirasai...
seperti ditumbuk bertubi-tubi...
seperti hendak mati dirasai..
mual ini kembali lagi......

p/s: MyMEds not kickin in so fineLy this ramadhan...demmit...(Uwweeeek!!!!)

curryCurry.

this soothing pink...

5th october 2005

im wearing pink...
with no black ink...
there's lots to think...
but im sticking to pink....

im breathing pink...
with no words to link...
ure eyes started to blink...
as i take off this mink...

im sweating pink...
as im trying to wink...
ure trying to think..
as im going to brink...

im wearing pink...
im ready for that drink...
altho u stop to think....
here's to this soothing pink......

p/s: "....pink is my favourite colour......"-sing it like aerosmith does....huhuhuhuhuhu

cheers!!!!!!!
(eh takleh lagi....puasa la joe!...heheheh)

"..wait till the smoke settle...."

29th september 2005(abah's office.demmit flat screen sey)

what a way to start my day...

i got up my usual time....heheh..blur lost dizzy horny....all as usual...
went to office..
bought my breakfast
(which will either be half in my stomach half in the bin....or stacked wit other leftovers in my cupboard till it turns green.....muahahahahaah)..
walkin to that darn mechine to punch in...thinkin ..mmm just another day of typing, cursing, screaming....

then someOne came towards me ....n told me...."evacuate ...evacuate the building...." (well nothing dramatic like some one screaming or anything like that....)...she then lead me to the lobby....n there it was...half of the staffs of parcel E7 was out there....some wit files, others wit bags...me...well wit my milo ais (bungkus) n kariPau.....all looking up....smoke came out like no other business on the 10th floor....

at that moment there was only one team of fireFighters....but they havnt seem to b doin anything yet..besides askin eOne to leave the building.....at first it felt like a field trip....met chineseBro n NottyHobbit n had our usual laughs...(thinkin that this could be a sabotage...or someOne tried to kill himself....)we even planned to go shopping...or was it watching a movie dear chineseBro..(gila ka!!...heheeh)

then....by almost noon....freeFood!!!...wohooooo...bottles n bottles of water...n more sugar-till-u-get diebetic kuihs...n....yes ...pauKari....(demmit)....then there was more wait wait wait...n wait...more teams came.....the police....the media....yep...field trip...

then noon actually came...by then i was restLess...even wanted to take of anythng on me...(well of course not in front of them fireMen...something else might get on fire...ahahahahaha)..

finally we can go home.....yeay.....definiteLy no mood to do or say anythin else..but go home....tempted to reez's LunchInvie....(mmmmmmmph).....but i miss my abah all of a sudden....and so i went to his place, had lunch n told him the whole situaiton....he just laughed...n kept on laughing......

mayb that's why i'm still laughing about my day.....hehehehe..
maybe that's why i actually finished my breakfast...
mayb that's why i had to type....
that and to also update JK on whts goin here (besides denggi dear.....)....
!( " ,)Cheers?!

currycurry

ingini........

27th September 2005

terpeluk erat hati ini....
seperti malam yang serupa lagi...
mata tertutup rapat ini...
hanya dikau yang ingin dtemui...

kaki ini ingin berlari..
biar bejuta tidak terperi...
aku ingin bebas menyayangi..
tapi bukan ini yg mereka ingini...

hati ini ingin dibaluti...
oleh rasa sayang sejati...
tiba senja penat menanti....
rasa pedih pula dirasai....

aku terus mahu menikmati...
dakapan indah seperti malam ini...
berkhayal aku ingin ke mati...
tapi sementara yg hanya dikecapi...

malam telah lewat lagi...
hati ini mengharap lagi...
malam telah sudah pergi...
dikau masih tidak muncul lagi...........

p/s: mengapa sayang dan rindu.....hadir pada masa yg tidak disangka....dan seperti waktunya itu ..harus pergi ...
pada masa yang tidak diduga...
mengapa cinta yang terindah dan terhebat pernah dirasai...
perlu dirasai untuk kadar sementara aja?

mengapa sayang perlu hadir pada tempat yang salah...
mengapa aku begitu bodoh memamahnya.....
cinta itu buta?...
atau cinta itu membutakan?
sudah tidak ada jalan selesaian yang lain kah wahai budak bodoh.....
.sudah tidak nampak kah busuk dan bernanahnya hati sesetengah nya itu....
hanya kerna sayang?..
apakah terdaya lagi untuk bersedih dan berhiba....
atas kejadian yang berlaku...atas kerapuhan harapan ini?..
mungkin aku menumpang kasih pada tempat yang salah ..terlalu lama...
hingga aku tidak tahu....pada mana lagi yang harus aku pergi..
pada siapa lagi harus aku percayai?....


(padaMu ya Allah....
berlutut kan bumi....bertadah pada langitMu...
padaMu ya Allah.....
hanya Kamu sahaja yang bisa memahami...
apa yang aku ingini...
yang aku perlui...
atas apa yang harus aku lalui...
aku redha ya Allah.....aku redha......)

currycurry

truthFul tears of mine

18 September 2005
(yep...still at the office..piff piff piff)

ever had that moment..
when u look in the mirror..
n u just had to cry it all out....

sometimes that happends to me...
sometimes i just cry then look at myself in the mirror...
just to see how pathethic i look...
or how lost looks alike...
just crying n waiting for someOne to save me...

ever had that moment...
when u look in the window...
n u just had to cry it all out...

sometimes that happends to me...
sometimes i feel so pathethic...
i dunt feel like even goin out in the sun..
more or less hope for another u to come...

ever had that moment...
when u tightLy held on some pillow...
n u just had to cry it all out...

sometimes that happends to me...
i whisper so badLy for an answer...
i shut my eyes tight...n hope iLL pass this nite...
just like every other moonLite...

ever had that moment....
when u wish someOne would stay...
but u just had to cry it all out...

sometimes that happends to me...
when no answers is heard as i called out ure name...
or that happy ending that i want so badLy...
but i only dare to dream just to stay healthy....

ever had that moment...
where u look at ure past...
n uve seen how things go so fast...
n u just had to cry it all out...

sometimes that happends to me...
i look at old pics n wish id just stayed there...

wish id never have to grow any older...
wish id could just stay n never change.
wish eThing around me does the same...
wishin wishin n continue wishin........

ah hell...
its just tears...
nothing but
truthful tears of mine.....

cheers!

siapala aku

18 September 2005
(sunday at the office..piff)


terbuka mataku...setelah lama tertidur kaku....tersentak nafasku..melihat ada putih menyelubungiku...tidak ku mengerti....apa yang sedang aku alami....terlantar pada putih ini...seperti sudah tiada lagi....

terbuka hatiku....setelah lama tertutup sepi....tersentak angan angan ku ini...melihat putih menyelebungiku lagi....tidak ku fahami....penghujung jalanKah arah ini....rasa seperti bukan laluan nan sepi...

terbuka kata hati...setelah lama terselindung rapi....tergamam mata ini...melihat putih di hadapan ini...

tapi silap pula pandangan ini...ini bukan seperti putih itu lagi...tetapi sudah tercemar mati....sudah jadi kotor hanyir...sudah jadi busuk hati....sudak tidak serupa lagi...

terbuka sudah pintu itu...terbuka seperti sentiasa lalu...tidak jemu untuk menunggu...tidak jemu untuk menerima aku....sesalan terasa begitu dekat padaku....tetapi kadangkala tergapai tangan ku ini...kuat aku ingin mencapainya....aku ingin pulang ke jalanMu..

tapi...
siapala aku...
apa bedanya aku...
apa lebihnya aku..
aku sama sahaja..
aku berdosa padaMu..
aku lalai jauh dariMu
terusan berdosa padaMu....
hingga bila aku tak tahu...
hingga mana aku belum tahu...
sering sesat seperti saat itu...
sering bertanya bertalu-talu...
sering hilang di awangan itu...

siapala aku....?

p/s:.this is dedicated to my endLess thoughts of things that seems to cross my mind lateLy....
i look at myself constantLy n smile at all the stupid decisions ive made...n still wonderin why it all dont make sense....piff


cheers.

Happy Birthday to Moi

It's been some time since I updated my blog - I havent even started putting up my thoughts on being a dad (last June)! guess that'l wait.

It's my birthday today - so it's adios to the Twenties! and welcome to the Thirties (yikes!). Can't say I feel old, as I have a high pitched voice (!). What I'd like to do today is post some SMS/well wishes I got from wellwishers since midnight last nite!

1st honour goes to my wife (of course) but it would have been silly to SMS her hubby in bed right? :-)

next, my brother firhan sent this : "Haaaaapppyyy birthddaaaaayyy fooool"
comment : I think the fool here is himself!! hahah he'll be going to a dark corner of Asia soon - so all I can say is - Dont go sticking your w*lly in places it dont belong in!!

driving to work, Mum gave me a call : She offered to take us out to dinner at a fancy restaurant (Dad's overseas - he'll miss his steak...)
comment : thats so sweet ! Guess I'll order the lobster then!

Shortly after, Dad sends his wishes from China : "Happy Birthday to U, Be a good father, Do Pray to Allah for all the Good things given to U"
comment : I just HAD to reply, so with one hand on the steering wheel, I _expertly_ sms'd this back : Thanks ba, for ur blessings and support. Ur a great dad to have, and I hope I can b the same to junior (aauuww - shucks was that cute or what!!?)

putting my camera bag down in the office (will explain later) I got an sms from an old school friend, Nazlin : "Dear Ezal, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! I wish u a wonderful life and dimurahkan rezeki. So how does it feel 2b no longer in the 20s? :-) Anyway have a good day! p.s. Isn't it interesting and wonderful co-incidence that I have 3 friends celebrating their b/day today?
comment : haha - guess 0809 (8 september) is an 'ong'/lucky number to have because I know a total of 6 people who share my birthday!!

Then a colleague, Kent sent in this cryptic message : Happy birthday, bro
comment : Thanks Kent...! :-)

Now even my lil sister Farah's also in the act : "Epy burfday. ada meetng. Later."
comment : o.k. haha

Another colleague, Julika , attending a meeting outside sent in this : "happy bday good looking! may Allah bless u with all that u wish for..insyaallah."
comment : nice one, guess becoming 30's not that shabby ..

..so thats what I got till about 11am today - guess I'm still remembered (haha or all the free birthday alarms available on the web helped too!)

p/s just barely remembered the reference to the cam bag - going pre-surprise shopping spree for a new camera bag (my wife and siblings are supposed to surprise me with it) but being a practical person - I might as well bring my camera bag and test some candidate bags during lunch!

ku rasa angin segar...

6 september 2005

selalunya aku kelabu...
selalunya aku berteduh...
pada semua yang gusar...
hingga aku rasa angin segar...

bertalu aku bersedih...
mengenang kisah pedih...
tidak ku jangka mendung di luar..
menjemput rasa suatu angin segar...

walau telah berhenti berharap...
walau kenangan yg tinggal ditatap..
seperti seharum si bunga mawar...
ku rasa ikhlas si angin segar...

angin segar dari perak rupanya...
terima kasih........ sayang
*winkWink*

KuasaMu Katrina

5th September 2005

kau hadir di sana..
kau hadir sedia mara...
kau hadir terus membara..
kau hancur semua wahai katrina...

kau bangkit dari gerhana....
kau redah segala belantara..
kau tunjukkan segar pada dunia...
amerika juga hanya senegara...

kau berlalu bersama berita...
semua gusar akan bencana...
jari munuding dipanggil penderhaka..
negara sendiri terbiar terseksa...

lain bencana lain pula rupanya..
pertolongan pula datang dengan seksa..
wanita dibunuh lelaki pun sama..
berlaku seksa seperti jajahnya...

dunia tersenyum melihat indahnya...
sebuah veto yg kerdil akhirnya..
dunia tergelak sendawa bersama...
kini negaramu gundah gulana...

teringat pula pandai tupai kisahnya...
teringat pula bijak kancil akhirnya...
tuhan membuka segala mata...
melalui tuah kuasamu KATRINA..............

cheers(?)

saat aku lepas kasihku....

2 September 2005

semalam aku bermimpi lagi...
semalam aku berhenti berlari...
tersentak aku teringat kembali..
saat tika kau berlalu pergi...

semalam aku risau lagi...
terkenang peristiwa menghantui lagi...
tersentak seketika nafas terhenti...
teringat pula saat benci ini...

semalam aku tersedak lagi...
teringat kata-kata luahan hati...
terhenti seketika terkenang kata hati..
pertama kali kau kata semua ini...

semalam aku terkenang lagi..
teringat masa dikau di hati...
dunia bagai disalut embun pagi..
dan kau pula pahlawan hati ini...

semalam aku tersenyum sendiri..
teringat kata rindu penawar hati..
muncul siDia pembunuh rasa ini..
terkenang pula rasa untuk pergi...

semalam aku bergantung menyendiri..
teringat kata aku harus bawa pergi...
dustakah dikau tika kau berkata ini....

aku tidak pernah mau mencintaimu

semalam aku peluk erat hati ini...
tidak mahu aku dilukai lagi..
tidak mungkin aku berpaling lagi...
setelah saat ku lepas kasihku ini..

semalam aku bermimpi lagi..................

p/s: its not about not getting over the one i onced truLy loved. its getting over those water-coloured memories that keeps on popping in my mind.
i really hope it'LL stop..i really do....
i want to pack it all up and throw in the deep blue ocean.....

all i need now is the strength to do so.

cheers!

futher unnoticed.....*sniff sniff

29th august 2005

in the week of indipendence where i instantLy become a nuisance
(har har har).... i thought of something
in the midts of covering where workLoad comes without a warning..
(har har har)..i thought of one thing...
in the hours of early morning where i wish i had some tunning
(har har har)...i thought a little of loving............................................................

i am further unnoticed
as i ask u ure day...as i ask u to stay..
i am futher unoticed
as i came to wish hello...n lay my admiration low..
i am futher unnoticed
as i tell which book i read...wit that note i left to shred..

i shouldnt have entered...
that little thought from that last winter..
that little spot behind the counter..
i'm alittle mess but its no wonder...
come to me...n we shall ponder............

11.10 am.
p/s: too much caffein makes the brain think a little futher than its suppose to...this work of mine was suppose to indicate...that im pathethic that im movin around..unnoticed....but then i got cranky n crappy...n the rest is history

double cheers of coffee!!!

...tersekat nafasKu..

10 August 2005

kabur mataku...
habuk hatiku...
semua telah berlaku..
lalu tersekat nafasku...

kabur kamarku....
habuk langsirku..
semua masih terbuku...
lalu tersekat nafasku...

kabur langitKu...
habuk mindaku..
semua terdiri kaku...
lalu terhenti nafasku...

terhenti....

11.35 am

p/s:this darn haze...darn darn darn darn haze....piff

funny how it seems...

8th August 2005

just got back from shanghai.(survuved the storem n iLL write about that another day)
eTime i go away from home...iLL definiteLy do one thing_think about mySelf

iLL start reEvaluating about my past doings....people i've met.people i've left. people i've loved n had to let go..n these shatters just remains the same.

im loneLy. maybe this is my problem.
i so wanna feel the sweet taste of bein in love again that dreaming seems to last much longer.

that 'walk a thousands mile', that 'i miss U so much', that 'i love u dear', that 'im here'
gosh. me n my dreams.
its not like i've felt that....i have given them...but ive never felt it...n i miss it so dearLy...


(funny huh).

am i just paranoid or pathethic or i just need to just continue dreaming?

c h h e e e e e r S!

..ketagihan * ini....

28th July 2005

menggeletar lagi....
seperti berkali-kali....
sapaan ini menghampiri lagi...
menahan rasa ketagihan ini...

berpeluh lagi...
seperti semalam hari...
menanti nyawa dicabut lagi...
membuih rasa ketagihan ini...

berlari lagi..
seperti sesuatu dekat menghampiri...
mataku bagai ditumbuk bertubi...
rebah harungi ketagihan ini...

berdebar lagi...
di kala ini...
menunggu tiba hari itu lagi...
kotakan segala ketagihan ini...........................

9.45 am

p/s: JK....ayat "addiction" kamu inspired me to write this....dari kelmarin malam...hehe...
psst..... im still smiling...awww

*addiction_ here refers to them yummmyYumm Yumm bagel sandwhich with chickenMayo at superSandwhich which i bought yesterday....woooof....been days since ive been craving for it......wwooooofff......
(*noodz* ini xplanation untuk u...nanti u ingat i dok Shoot la plak..har har har)

**c h e e r s**

keepin a goodHeart

27th July 2005

i wanted to write about last nite. ive got bills to pay...fillings to do...packing (gosh one more week to go) and talk about the formal dinner i went. i wanted to tell JK how beautiful i was lastNite n that i was in the wrong crowd (as always..)...heheh..but i feel i need to type about this

this mornin as i was smilling my way to office n listening to sime indonGrooves...(im Lovin every softSong they made k.....yish..hehe)
and then i saw him.
(tv 3929)**

i always get xcited e'Time i see his car...he would as well...
its just that its the thing of a past now.
n i wish it didnt end..

funny how we met. . he made fun of my name.....i liked the attention...
i would say it was a 3day affair at PICC*..
we both would die for our country...only he is literaLy doin it...
suddenly we see each other on the road...like almost all the time

wjt73 and tv 3929 on the hyway. what do u xpect...our offices r right next to each other.
we would sms when we actually do meet on the road.
i would start my day wit a big warm smile after ....he would as well...
its just that..its the thing of the past now...

he's got a nice warm face...something rare u see in his sort of service...
what attracted me the most...was his smile. he's got a sweet smile for the service he is in...
he looks blur most of the time......but i just love to see him smile...n would do anything to see it again...

he showed me one of his gun (har har har....gotta love making them gun jokes)..
n i's always feel protected walking beside him...njoyin LateCoffee wit him...n i thnk he likes my company as well..
he got sick recentLy...n i was worried about him...he had a toothAche as well n didnt want to go to the clinic...i had to force him by talking it out late nites.....n he still wouldnt go.....till he got sick...then he took a day off..

that whole day..i prayed he'd b fine. called him up to check.....but he didnt asnwer..sms him to check....he didnt asnwer....he's living alone...n i think that was what made me worry the most.....
besides that....earlier on ...he was telling me about noOne taking care of him..n that noReal frends ever took care or took concern about him..his got all them joLyFrends but noReal frend to save his day..

and that was like a calling for me....i felt i had a duty to make sure this bodyGuard of the country will b fine n never feel down..... ever!..
i told myself. "im his hero. i wanna be his hero"

n so i prayed eTime that i could that god would protect him...give him the xtra shield eTime he's on duty. let his fever go away. let his toothache go away.

and so i kept asking about how he was.
n still no answer.
in the end he told me that he is fine n that i dont need to take care of him n that he apologze for not anwering me...cause he was fast asleep...

i went a step back.
n went off unnoticed.
i mustve done something wrong..i mustve said something bad
i could be irritating him right now. i could be...

stop doin this gurl. stop bein pathethic.stop makin ureSelf sorry for others.
stop cryin..please stop :(

it broke my heart.

but hey.....we can only help n be there as much n as honest as we can...
but if were not needed...where better place to be ....then be gone...
in life...most times we r not asked to head for ther door. ..
we just got to figure out the right time to leave..
i ..somehow ..never got it right. damn

n then i saw him ..............

cheers!

9.15 am

*PICC-Putrajaya International Convention Centre
**(tv3929)-kereta honda city merah.just like mamanyer, got blue light in it. good stereo.

(i miss u..i really do)

that feeling....

20th july 2005

u should know that feeling...
that one that makes u tumbling....
or a little bit confusing...
than the one u had arousing.....

u should know that desire...
the one with that fire....
as u drive his minyMiner..
or havin a sixtyNiner....

u should know that game...
the one u put in the frame...
or the way he looked so lame...
n there's noOne else to blame...

u should know that taste....
a little sour with that paste..
but never ever u throw to waste...
leave it loveLy ...leave it laced...

6.30Pm

ode to cenderasari...

19 july 2005

just realised something...
(just now after my daily huffs n puffs of stairs to my office)...
that within 3 weeks ...
(well two for me...cause im goin to shanghai...im goin to shang hai...nananananan...hughuhuhuhu)
my office is finally moving....gosh..its been three years here...
from the day i started services...till nw.....lots happend within those times here in cenderasari..

i remembered those lunch times me, mimi n rudy would race each other on who waits on who....
then we'd head towards dayabumi (happening building for us..huhuhu) to have our lunch...
.a little xtra money, we go bryani..
.a little western....we go Mcd's....
then we'd feel the need to eat healthy (after all them fats..huhuhu)...
n head to the fruit stall...n get some buttered jagung...(huhuhuhuhuhuh)..
and rudy..... remember e'time we head back...we'd pass thru this "air pancut" that i will never look...cause then i need to pee...( " ,)

time changes eThing....mimi left n gotten married..n god knows what ever happend to her....even rudy left cenderasari (gosh i miss u so much)...even mcD's had to move....e'Thing changes....n so nw its my turn....it s my change....

another thing iLL definiteLy miss....is my fav hokkeinMee Daging wit xtra cili padi n teh ais. iLL always remember those morning id que up....waiting to order...wit RM5.20
(exact change...aunty sure suka nyer...hehe) in my hand.....
no i dont eat it there...i'LL bungkus...then bring it up to my office....oh n not forgetting...to take the plastic spoon(which iLL definitely break it)..n them kayu chopsticks wit tonnes n tonnes of tissues.....my eyes will b watery that morning...iLL have a red nose after that....but the pleasure.....mmmmmmm........sure hell gonna miss it...

then of course....now....my breakfasts wit chineseBro n *wishFulHobbit....
gosh.....they would wait for me...no matter how late (n slow...heheh..lembap is more like it) i am........*nasi lemak makcik cantik...*nasi lemak pakcik kecik....
yummy chocs cake (i know....for bfast...can u beileve it)...
nasi goreng mahal (RM2.00 wit nothin in it).....
and them stories of what we did..or who met the day before....im sure hell gonna miss this....tho its gonna b so close to my heart....

people say...that there will always b a time when we say hello....
that we would have to xpect to say goodBye to come along....
n this is the gdBye ive been wondering all along...

cenderasari will never change.....there will always b my building there....i hope i can come back in years to come n show my loves....how it all started....n how it all began...before i actually made it (to wherever i'd b by then)

so heres to cenderasari.

n for the record :

*BAHAGIAN KORPORAT,TINGKAT 3, BLOK A, JALAN CENDERASARI,
50590 KUALA LUMPUR*........................dalam kenangan

cheers!

*wishFulHobbit_beb....tengah njoy2in choc cake tu....ingatlah kat i k....sob sob sob.....

ive got a heart...

18 July 2005.

ive got a blank heart ...
not sure whats it saying...
not certain where its heading...

ive got a weird heart ...
not sure whats it playing...
not detained to leave it changing...

ive got a nicer heart ....
not certain if that is true...
not reluctant to prove it too...

ive got a nasty heart...
its looks so fade.... it looks so smart...
maybe it needs a little cart...

ive got a lost heart..
not found nor left behind...
mayb it needs a little remind....

cheers!

"where does my heart beats now..." darn that crappy song.....heheheh

sekebun bunga rosKu (my bed of roses)

14 July 2004

menanti penuh arti...
walaupun hingga mati....
menanti penuh sakti...
ros mekar di hati ini...

menanti penuh debar...
untuk hati penuh tegar..
harum semerbak seluruh legar...
hati terus tersenyum besar....

menanti penuh liku...
mungkinkah akanberlaku..
suatu senja yang berlalu..
kau hadir bersama roseKu..

menanti sepenuh hati...
disini selalu meyakini...
kita akan bertemu lagi...
selain dari alam maya ini...

9.00 am

p/s: khas buat *pakJK*-hehehehehehehehhehehehehehehehehehheheheheheheheheh

oh kota london!

9th July 2005

another terrorist attack? media speculates, claims, reAssure...
n all them bullShit statements that just gives an eye brow lift for a few seconds..till they say ..."info yet to confirm"...bolocks!!

what better time kan. G8 meeting, London hosting the Olimpics 2012. Blair bitchin about bein the hero in iraq. n now wanting to be the hero for africanHunger.perfect timing.

even Xnew York mayor mrRudy was in london (in fact just a few metres from one of the stations affected) when the bombing happend.maybe de'Ja vu for him huh...

hundreds reported dead....then it was 2...then 42...of course hundreds were wounded....its the popular tube in London!..and it happends at rushHour.....tourists comes from e'Where just to feel the cramps n smell of the underground....terrorist pulak sees it as a strategic port to send the message. SMS doesnt seem to do the work huh...

markets starts to crash..blood's a stream. citizens a scream. leaders stand n condemn all terrorist.the same leaders that came terrorising their country in the first place..stop intruding their country. definiteLy no more "messages" will come our way...

we'd better keep our mouths shut. or not blair will start accusing us being the central "markas" for alQaeda. but i dont blame him fully on that accusation. the most wanted bombMaker in Asia who was involve in BaliBimbings was a lecturer in UKM!...n is still loose..

news creates tension.documentary gives an eyeOpener.checkOut that american documetnary on 9/11(fereinheit 911)..where it highlites the stupidity of american leadership (american idiot number one!)..n how the election could've been a scam altogether n of course the events that leads to 911 attacks

kota london bergegar tanpa apa-apa "warning".tidak seperti 911 attack , Bali.damn...n we were worried jogJakarta would get another bombing. blardy news...they distracted us.

so what's next.whats left.?????

5.30pm

sometimes its hard

6th July 2005

hy. got miniutes to kill...got nothing else to do ..
but to thrill...
something nonsense up this hill...

i feel a little humid...
waiting for that cupid....or maybe im just stupid...to think this is all morbid...

i felt a little useless...
with this armour up this terrace...i felt a little faithLess...while bein that bitchy mistress...

then there's the occasional worthLess....
that confused people with priceLess....
or this could all be wightLess...if we knew that hidden fortress...

at times i know we're honest...and time its just the purest...
but its when its the hardest...
i need to go the furthest....


cheers!
(i need some real fresh air)

*biggest fan*-I miss U. (kapan mau ke mari?huhuhuhuhuh)
*innocentBeauty*-I miss u more than uLL ever know.hope ure ok. biggestFan kemsalam
*noodz*-where u la dude....
*LostPoet*-I wanna share the strings wit u
*LolliBoi*-look at me..look at me n see how im falling........*aaah*

.Winx.Winx.Winx.Winx.

...aku kan menghilang....

4 Julai 2005

dalam pekat malam..
dalam gusar kelam...
tiada akan terlarang..
aku akan menghilang.................

dalam sayu senja...
ketika hati bersahaja....
tiada akan membuang...
aku kan menghilang...................

dalam subuh rindu...
tika kita bercumbu....
tiada akan terngiang....
aku akan menghilang.................

dalam bahasa yang sunyi...
tika diketuk bertubi-tubi...
tiada akan menyandang...
aku tetap menghilang.................

(inspiration strongLy by this song by petterPan.)

cheers!

pada pekat malam tadi

30 Jun 2005

tidak boleh tidur lagi...sihat nyer sudah tiba lagi...tetapi tidak ku lena lagi....
ku basuh kaki...ku cuci sepi...ingin tidur sebelum pagi...tapi mata ku belum lelap lagi....mungkin ku belum puas lagi...

tidak boleh ku sandar lagi...sungguhpun sihat telah tiba lagi....tetapi tidak lelap lagi...
ku basuh hati....ku cuci lagi...mungkin ingin bertemu lagi....tapi mata ku belum lelap lagi...mungkin ku belum ngantuk lagi....

ku toleh kanan..ku toleh kiri....ku rasa pipiku sihat sekali...tetapi tidak ku lena lagi...
ku doa lagi...ku doa pergi...kerungsingan hati menyelinap lagi....ku peluk lagi...bantal hati...tapi mataku belum lelap lagi....mungkin ku rindu pada yang sepi....

subuh kini telah kemari....baru hatiku kembali berarti....baru ku mahu lelapkan hati....tetapi tidak terlena lagi....ku basuh pipi..ku jirus kaki....satu hari lagi....tidak boleh tidur lagi......

cheers!

wo deng ni

23 Jun 2005

setiap kali ku terjaga....
dan pabila tiada nyata...
getar usah walau merana...
ini janji ku wahai teruna....
(wo deng ni)

setiap hari tanpa hadir mu..
entah bila kita bertemu..
akankah mungkin kan berlalu...
tapi ini lafaz hati ku...
(wo deng ni)

datangla kusam....datanglah gulana
datang la segala ribut bencana..
jika benar takdir namanya..
janji ku ini sekukuh laksamana...
(wo deng ni)

suatu hari ku akan merasai...
hadir suatu bunyi ..mengetuk hati..
hidup terus pasti ku jalani..
tetap menanti suatu yang pasti...
(wo deng ni)

akan datang hari ku menyepi...
merasa dunia telahpun mati...
jangn dirisau gundah ini...
janji ku kukuh walau tinggal seinci..
(wo deng ni)

dan hadir pula hembusan terakhir...
tika maut rindu memanggil...
syahadah terakhir telah terukir...
mungkin ini bukan ditakdir...


* wo deng ni_ setia menantimu

11.00am

kekalahan ini....

22 Jun 2005

berjalan lagi...
terusan sebegini....
sampai mana tidak pasti..
kekalahan ini ..
ku terima lagi....

seperti api...
yang lenyap sepi...
sayup mendung lagi...
kekalahan ini...
ku simpan lagi....

teguh terangi..
harapan suci....
tetapi ku akui...
kekalahan ini...


p/s: pada mu yg ku akhiri...ku terima kekalahan ini...ku pergi membawa sepi....ku harungi hari-hari ini...ku tabah tempuhi lagi....ku sanggup simpan lagi

things i like....

21st June 2005

yawning in the rain...wit the one that kept me sane...
or lots of chocs...that rhyms wit rocks...
sleeping on a sunday...still yawning the next day...
these r what i like....these r what i've might...

staring at my stars...wit a chocolate mars....
or whisperin im sorry...to the one that i dont hurry..
watching myself slip...as the smoke begins to heap...
these r what i like...these r what i've might...

holding his hand tight...even after a fight..
or kissing a knight....in the middle of the nite..
like keeping it real..not keeping it right....
these r what i like...these r what i've might...

like taking a little nap...after a ginger snap..
or talking wit no gap....all safe in his lap...
like giving her a slap...after throwing this map...
these are what i apt .....things ive already kept....

9.30am

ku hirup kesunyian ini

20 Jun 2005

ku hirup kesunyian ini...
ku dakap kehibaan ini...
setiap kali melangkah lagi...
setiap kali terlintas hati...

ku hirup kesunyian ini...
di kala senja... dan setiap pagi...
walau jauh ku mau kau pergi...
namun ini saja yang ada di hati....

ku hirup kesunyian ini...
tatkala terasa lemah dihati...
tika langkah terhenti lagi...
tika mata terkabu sini....

ku hirup kesunyian ini...
seperti kaki diikat tali....
seperti mati memanggil lagi...
seperti takdir yang belum ku pasti........

ku hirup ...
dan terus hirup...
dan terus ku hirup....
hingga liang ini rapat tertutup....

cheers!

p/s: hello to my biggest fan....(u know who u are..n noodzz its not u....hahaahah)

clouds in my coffee

10 June 2005

could it all be true..
or another blue...
i look at u....
n wish i had u.

could it all stay true...
or leaves without a clue...
i admire u...
n wish i was near u.

could it all deny true...
or stays in this canoe...
i see thru u...
n wish i follow u.

could it all left as true...
or leaves another stew...
i sip another two...
n wished u never knew.

10.50am

love on the D A R K _S I D E

1st June 2005 (but published a few days later)

another movie review
(yes Liverpool dieHard -never-walk -alone-freak....heheheh..miss U tho......)

star wars_ revenge of the sith

honestly....i am not that big a fan about this star war trilogy giler_gy...but i watched it last nite...after losing my way as to where im headin(twice k..twice....yish)..my thoughts to this "star wars" time around..left me wit a different effect...

in terms of the fighting sequel....i must say (in r2D2 style...hehe) it was rather well programmed....everything looked perfect....Lucas did it again in creatin war... way up at the star (kakhakahkalame)

there was alot of romance in this movie...(i know...crazy huh)....not as i thought would b....tho we r bombarded wit "may the force be wit u" n the "dark side"(**kuuuuh kuuuuuh kuuuuuuh)"..there are alot of elements of love, honesty and human insticts in it.....and that it is so human to lose balance n fallin out...when its about love...
analkin's love for padme(princes amidala) ..has made him feel it is a duty to keep safe his love no matter what the risk he has to take n trust he has to brake....

when guarding what he wants to keep so much....his mind plays wit his intensions..his needs...his oath...but love can move mountains (as they sy it)...and that was what he did.....but his love was diluted with greed to have it all...to not loose anything....which in the end....yeah..he lost it......good is always the hero.....thats the message....

watch it.....for the love of science fiction out for war....for the rpmance of it.....n most of all gurls....for the ewan (slurp slurp ) in it....awwwwwww

p/s ***kuuh kuuuh - tu bunyi the dark side tu..huhuhuhuh

tentang dya

19 Mei 2005

kisah cinta ngetop di Malaysia lor...dari tanah jawa..indonesia. ...sayu deh...gue tengok semalam..sama teman gue di KLCC...
kisahnye mengenai menemui cinta..ketika masa cinta tiada lagi di hati...mengenai "gadis" yang telah hilang segala rasa tentang cinta..namun menemui nya...pada saat waktu yg paling tidak diduga...dan daripada seseorng yg paling tidak disangka....

cinta yang hadir pada ketika itu...seperti kata nya siti...cinta yang bukan dipaksa....dan bukan cinta yang dicari...tapi ...cinta yang lahir....dan terusan mekar indah..walau pada mulanya...ragu2 yang menimpa...salah arti pada zahirnya..tidak diterima pada asalnya...

namun kisah ini terusan menceritakan yg pertemuan perpisahaan berlaku atas sebab yang telah ditentukan oleh yang maha Esa.Tuhan

kisah ini juga terselit kisah hitam seorng gadis yang terusan membesar menjadi gadis tidak gentar pada apa-apa....seorng yg dahagakan kasih adiknya...yg meniti hari mencari kepastian samada dya kakak yang baik buat adik....jika adiknya masih idup...namun kisah hitam telah meragut semua...semua cintanya...semua sayangnya...sehingga dya bertemu "gadis"...lantas ubah segalanya...dalam kesakitannya..timbul suatu ubatnya...suatu jawaban yang dinanti...suatu yang pasti..sebelum boleh tersenyum mati...

tidak kurang..kisah ini juga diceritakan suatu cinta biasa...alam remaja....cinta si jejaka....tidak putus hampa...kepada nya "Gadis"....yg tidak putus2 mengharap..kasihnya dibalas.....
dan seperti setiap suatu yang diperjodohkan ...
pasti tempatnya ..adalah pada jodoh....pada cinta "Gadis"...

suatu cerita cinta yang amat digalak untuk ditonton oleh semua lapisan masyrakat....
suatu cerita yg pasti tinggalkan kesan mendalam.......terusan kembalikan masa ketika pernah alami....
kisah cinta yg sedemikian rupa.

nonkrong terus deh

JavaneseCurry (muahahahahaha)

screaming my head Off

18th May 2005

i couldnt sleep cause of the news yesterday...

TV3 was coverin the news about the late norsalina, the schoolGurl who got knocked down by a trailer, head smashed on the road....the whole kampung created a rage on the road (i totally support it n wished i was livin around that area...definitely i'd be in the front page holdin that papan mayat of hers)....

at first i didnt get it as to why the kampung people were so outraged about the accident..(i know it sounds inHuman...but they were literaly blockin the roads k....)

was it because the fact that she was crossing the road...wit a safety man on the road n still got knocked down..not only that ..her head was smashed ...in front of her mother?

or was it because of that stupid driver (we all know which country he was from....)who didnt slowed down n later didnt even stopped when asked to....n that he only stopped when the kampung people stopped him...(which ocassionally bashed him up n burnt his trailer)...?

or was it because of the fact that this wasnt the first time?

Tv3 later on revealed that almost everyOne who lived near by ...had a relative/frend/luvedOne bein a victim on that road.... there was this father who told tv3 that his son died on the same spot several years ago..followed by a mother who lost her son 5 years before, then another who lost a bro n a father...n it just went on n on....

n that was no wonder why they were all so angry ...so mad ...so upset....after so many deaths....it still happend..someOne died on the very same road...

"This is all govt's fault!!!!" .of course that was the first thing all of them were yellin..."menteri besar..wakil rakyat..tolongla bina trafficLight pada jalan nie..sampai biler nak jadi begini?"
syahpadu had the hot seat for these....

but then again..should they be blamed fully?... the fact that the gurl was crossing wit her frends..on the zebra crossing....wit a safety man on the middle of the road..(which is bein paid by syahpadu) with the BERHENTI sign......this is not the case of a gurl just simply running crossed the road.....
all the safety precautions were there...

i think...

the issue here was the trailer who didnt slowed down....he was waved down....n he ignored it...the gurl was under her trailer n he ignored it...he smashed her head on the road...n still had the nerve to keep on movin....i wouldnt be surprised if he too ended dead on that road....what sickHuman is he?....
ure already not paying toll for using this old hyWay.. cant u at least slowDown u dumbF******!!!!!
what is it about e'Body rushin to someWhere....doesnt anyone slow down n smell the roses
(ok mayb not the roses..but at least just slow down..!!!!)
we've got enough roadBully Lunatics with KILL on their minds...please stop killin our future....please stop tellin the nation that its not safe anymore....ANYWHERE...period!!!

Another thing that ticks me..is that these children were heading to school...an agama school....not goin to some pub or poolPlace...n worst... on a teachers day....n wit her intentions to give a brooch to her teacher....i am just mad n sad at the same time....

i hate the fact that e'time i start my day ..i pray that it not b a day i have to read about another ....death in a box....killing ,rape....mugged, snatched,...missing people....

i hate reading the papers...wit my fist grippin the papers, shaking my head left to right..over stories which ended in unfair circumstances...


have we lost this fight?...
have we lost it all?

( i wonder....n keep on wonderin..)
aissssh..

10..40 am

standing still

17 May 2005

it was a sunday...
a little sour a little to say..
wit my eyes shut..whisperin a pray..
something not to be so queer...

it was in the morning...
a little myth a little haunting....
as most were still yawning...
something came withOut a warning....

it was middle of the evening..
a little lost a little tempting...
u came tonite a little demanding...
xpecting me to do some killing...

it was nite n little daunting...
i let u in n wished u were hoping...
that we could hold to something forgiving...
wish u stood till ever lasting...........................................( " ,)

note2Self_ i was thinkin about someOne when i started writing this..then another one...then the other one...till i realised one is not related to the other...so this piece is a bit rough on the edges...but then again WHO CARES!!!!!!!!!( " ,)

p/s_ hy syaSya...welcome to my Life (sing along to simplePlan....heheheh)

...of women n greenBubbleBath

12th May 2005

back in the office. the week b efore this was all about celebrating women.
it was mothers day, fashionweek(women..women) n the Non Alignment Movement Meeting on (yes...) women.
it was a week i was xpecting.
best thing was i was a part of it.
I never imagined myself doin foreign affairs
(tho my jobTittle has Diplomatic in it)....
but there i was...standing gracefully at all times
(tho my toes were killlin me...darn those pointy Heels...)..
tryin my best to to b as liase as i can...
(look serious, walk fast, try not to tripOver, speak to only foreign lookin people....hahha)..
but it was such an xperience..a good one..amidts the shits n shatters that happend... i've manage to make sure i didnt loose my minister ...i could say i did a goodJob
(as i pat myself in the back)...

loads of lessons learnt about this week of women...

(i) nothing beats a goodWarm smile....give one n u'll receive Love ( " , )

(ii) beauty comes in many forms...i learnt that its not just about looks when it comes to women..beauty is seen by the way she drinks her tea, the way she's persistence on an issue and of course the way she brings herself in front of public..

(iii) there are men DramaQueens!!!!!!

(iv) frendship comes in many forms, many situations n of course many endings...nothing is in a name for i remember them all....i may see them next week, this very next hour..or the next meeting...we may go separates way n destined never to see again....but no matter where the road leads...whether u're in my life that leads...u'll always be remembered as u were....as pure as how it began...goodLasting frendship...cheers

(v) i look great in ALL black..

(v) datuk sharizat has a goodLookin son....(muahahahahaahah)


i ended that week in a bathTub filled wit greenBubbles...mmmmm...heaven was all i had that one lastNite..heheh

some things also changed thru Out the week...there are some people i miss so dearLy....some i may see this weekend, later today, next week....
but there's one i dont think i wont b hearing from anymore...no he's not dead...he didnt' move to another state or was relocated to another workPlace....he didnt loose my number...he's just ....(gosh hold ure self..) G O N E...
woooosh....just like that....sent him an sms...no reply....just nothin....he left...even withOut sayin goodBye...

u know, the usual curry will cry over this, become so pathethic ..one will feel as if going to a funeral..but guess what....nope..not gonna do that.

well the sad feelin is there...(its not human u know if this doesnt affect me)..
but i wont shed a tear for this...i wont let myself get torn because of this ...
no more.....
maybe cause ive been a victim too long..that maybe its time i need to get myself together....no more drama for me..no more tears for stupid feelings like these...im a big gurl....ive got a strong heart...even if this heart wont ever open anymore (if Lar...if....) i wont succumb to some idiotic craving just to get hurt all over again.....

most often than not i always tell myself i know myWay out..but eTime i say that..im still here...stayin put..havin my fingers crossed, hopin the worst thing wont happend..then realised e'thing is a mistake just a lil time too late...
no not this time....

i know who i am...
for a while there i thought i lost myself...
thru time...
things come n go...feelings stay n had to let go..
but i know who i am...
and as time take all it could
change everything that would...

it will never change nor take away...

.*M.E*.

1.43 pm

kenapa ya?

28 April 2005

kenapa ya?....
setiap kali hati diusik...jutaan soalan mula menyusul..lantas menggamit gusaran rasa...
sehinggakan tiada arti untuk dirasai....

kenapa ya?....
setiap kali aku terjumpa...suara hati jelas berkata....sedang asyik aku impikan...datang suatu hari.... ketika sayup angin menghembus....tiba pula suatu ribut...datang menyerang entah dari mana...entah mengapa....entah sampei bila...

kenapa ya?...
setiap kali aku tahu jalan ini....berjuta kali aku lalu'in jalan ini...aku redah setiap hari...setiap lopak dan kasturi....setiap onak aku harungi....aku tahu jalan ini....tapi tetap terluka lagi....tetap bernanah lagi...tetap aku lalui lagi...

kenapa ya?....
setiap kali aku berharap nanti....setiap kali aku pohon lagi....setiap itu...aku harus hadapi...segala lumrah hidup ini...segala dugaan datang dan pergi..

kenapa ya?...
.....................................................................................

(u know what sucks the most about bein stuck in this moment...
dat i cant see ahead nor make sense of the past....
n it just goes deeper n deeper n deeper)

aisssssh...

menelan kesunyian ini

19th mac 2005

ku rapat mata ini...
genggam erat hati ini...
setiap kali puisi ku ini...
bernyanyi sayu di petang hari...

ku tatap wajahnya ini...
berharap kembali lagi....
kepingin suatu hari...
terhapus derita ini...

bagai segar seribu mawar..
bagai mekar satu penawar...
sayu memikir hati yg tawar...
sedih teringat rasa dikasar....

ku tegar di malam ini...
kepingin peluk rapat hatimu kini...
tapi mimpi hanya sekadar pengganti...
sambil menelan kesunyian ini..

10.30 am

note2Self_someHow i can't get it out of my head...
this particular saying....so crisp..
.n so real...

"...dreams lasts for so long....even after u're gone...."

curryCrappyFeelin....Aish

n i'd do it again.....

14 Mac 2004

losing it all...
finding its Lack...
almost a ball...
taken aback....

jumpin upHills...
falling head first...
sipping these thrills...
makin it curse...

folding these clothes ..
unwrapping those lies..
keeping it closed...
n hear the time fly...

Leaping thru time...
knowing its not mine...
bein lost n refrain..
but i'd do it again.................( " ,)

10.10 am

tabah menghadapi ( " ,)...

11 April 2004

ini curryLar.....rileksla people!!!!.....
geeszzzz......
i know i know...my last one kinda rocked alot of boats huh..
(nuddz...jgnLar risau dear....takyahlar sampai nak turun Kl n ***** *** **** *** ** ** ( " ,)....hehehehehe)

nie tengah banyk kerja...

i'll vommitt someMore ideas later k.
(still lovin u nuddz...hehehehe....say hi to shat)

isnt it funny...?...?????

6th Mac 2005

yesterday a guy asked me..."when was the last time i had a bf"...
n i counted....n gosh its been 3years!

i havent said "i love U"....or " i missU" in three years..
i havent gotten xcited to know there's my "sayang" on the other end of the line...
i haven't had my hand bein held by the one i could spend the rest of my life wit..

wow...its been three years!...
i was taken aback because i thought it was like just yesterday..or atleast last year that i finally said goodBye..
but time waits for no man...n its been three years..

what was it like back then...how was i back then?....have i changed in what ever form possible?gosh lotsa things ran thru my head...
guys did come n go..passerBys...them of whom never really set their foot still...long enough for me to develop....for me to feel...for me to fall....

u know i still do it...
..watchin other couples n wish it was me...
seein couples holding hands n wished it was my hands he was holding....

i keep wonderin...n still do....
whens it gonna b my turn again?
is it gonna be soon...or my journey is still far away...
when will he finally arrive?
when will he say he'd walk a thousand miles...
or come save me everytime i fall over...
When will he call...
n tell me "i'm u'res"

i am the same tho...just like 3 years ago..
i'm scared...i'm chicken shit...
dunt want to open it again..n let myself go..
to love someOne dearly n xpect another no...
n that i have no energy to set these chains go....

tell me
how do u mend a heart...
a broken demented heart..
dat started so pure...
dat started wit no cure....

how do u tell it..
to let it go..
to let it free...
n fly it by the sea...

when there was a time..
a time not long ago...
that i let it all go...
n it was stampered n left no more...

how do u mend it...
or even fix it...
when e'time i let it...
i need to say "FUCK IT"

i feel i need to cry...
then ask questions why..
i'd rather live a lie...
n let myself die...

so i call upon to u...
to tell me its not so blue...
but dont xpect any clue..
or me to stay so true...

note2Self_will i ever move on?

hentikanlah....

31 Mac 2005

merenung jauh hadirnya gusar...
tatkala hujan sedang air berpusar...
tersenyum manja disebalik kucar...
setitis air bergelimang segar...

tangan erat genggaman kesumat...
ingin melihat semua tersurat...
tapi daya takut teramat...
mungkin sepi segala nikmat...

mata tertutup ingin hindari...
tetapi hati tetap berseri...
setiap hari ternanti-nanti...
setiap hari termimpi-mimpi...

akankah indah merenung matamu..
akankah suci melihat hatimu...
akankah telus merasa getarmu...
akankah cinta memeluk ragamu....

tapi ku silap...hatiku malap...
dikau tak nampak hari-hari genap...
ku terpesong....dan tidak berharap..
kau ke sini dan memberi harap...

kini ku ingin doa berserah...
mungkin ingin menyerah kalah...
buat hatiku yang sering pasrah...
sedarlah diri ...dan hentikanlah...

lihat saja pada dirimu...
bukan putri... jauh lagi ratu...
henti bertanya siapa kamu...
henti berharap kasihnya itu...

apakah kau ingat cinta bertakhta...
wahai sayang bukalah mata...
bukan ini yang dicari si dia..
bukan aku si pengasih lara...

aku berlutut dan berharap cuma...
doa bersemi dan termakbul jua...
ku pohon tegas wahai lara...
berharap tiada..hentilah sengsara.....

merenung jauh hadirnya gusar......

3.40 pm

note2Self_ njoy it while it last....dont ask about the next day...njoy it while u can....dont ask how long its here...njoy it while its bloming....don't ask if its forever....njoy while its mine....don't ask when it goes to the other

(generally i'm upset about *****_********....n i dont know why lar....
gosh i can't stop thinkin about him....but i can't read his hidden line...dont even think its the right time to think this way....but its gettin me edgy n desperately needy...n i just wish he made his move....but i guess its not gonna happend.....who am i kiddin...him fallin for me....ello?....ellor?....aish!!)

damn i'm sleepy...elp

My Thoughts - Ezalman

Since I got 5 minutes to spare, I think I'd like to post something on my sister's blog - my siblings all complain I dont update my blog, so why not start commeting on others right?

Anyway - I had dinner with her last night, and to my amazement she showed me her brand new Tag watch...well for the record I would like to congratulate my sister in making the _very_ big leap into the realm of buying expensive cr*p!

...and to think she's being eyeing it for the past 11 years...so Curry : take good care of the watch...and dont forget Abalone's Law : Upgrade every 18 months!!

Ta!
My Thoughts - Ezalman

stay CalmLy_Insane( " , )

29th Mac 2005

i hate the day...n so tonite..
especially when nothin is right...
i feel i need to give u might...
to tell how much i hate to fight...

i hate that day...n so last nite...
especially when u said goodNite...
i feel i lost n so not right..
to tell how much i need u tonite...

i hate the stars...n so the height...
especially when there is no light...
i feel i like u when uptight...
to tell how i much i wasn't right...

i hate these tears...n so this ice...
especially when it feels so wise...
i fell so numb n its been thrice...
to tell u need to throw this dice...

i hate to feel...n so to weep..
id rather scream n keep it deep...
u looked at me as i asleep...
u held me tight n whispered.....
..."Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepppppppppppppppppppppp"...*


* beep beep is the sound on my phone when there is a missCall or sms message that got in...
its a reminder that someone did remember me n that there is nothin wrong wit my phone...(works perfectLy well...hehehe)..
but it pisses me off....cause usually by then i'm either asleep, bored or pissedOff cause waited muchMuch earlier for a reply....
n by the time that beepBeep goes..
i'm like "ScrewU!!!!!".....

note2Self_ this book im reading "the rhythm of anger"....
could this be the cause i'm lashin crazily over practically....
everything?......aish!
damn im hungry...( " , )


12.00 noon

...for i am near....

26th Mac 2005

go the deepest despair....
run a mile for fresh air...
hold u're breath just to keep bare...
don't u worry.. for i am there....

go the darkest hour...
run just for cover...
hold u're tougue to keep it nearer...
don't u worry...for i am clear....

go the warmest desire...
run just to pespire...
hold u're love just to keep the admire..
don't u worry....for i am near...

10.55 am

innocent beauty_this ones for u..hang in there k.
Lurves n Muaks2,
curry

Lady Tag_Heuer*

25th Mac 2005

after all these years....after all these tears....
feardom n freedom not forgetting boredom...
its finally here....come near to hear...

waiting for u was all my option..
nothing else kept my notion..
if only i knew to make a potion..
i wouldve done it in a motion...

i've travelled far....to places with no tar....
i've raced the clouds... to make myself proud...
i've dived the sea....of satan n bees....
i've crossed the line....to be sure what's mine

but nothing can compare...or even let bare...
of all thats true...even with no clue...
never felt missUsed...or even abused...
i'm finally here....Little Miss Tag_Heuer

9.10am

*curry_n_crap would like to note that after 11 years of wait n despair...thought she never would've wear...something to stare...womething worth the nitemare...
(ok ok...enough of me ryhming n finding words of same sounds...)
i've finaly got my very own(very original) tagHeuer!!!!!
the classics are the best....
i hereBy declare (ehem...myself)....U're Xcellency Lady Tag_Heuer

i would like the this oppurtunity to thank the genius who invented credit cards.....not forgetting citibank for trusting me as their customer n thankU for the 12 months installment plan (zero interest) that has changed my life n made me the person i am today.
i accept this award (Lady Tag_Heuer....ahaks) as a token to all my fans n critics who has been by myside for all these years....this ones for u...
LIHATLAH DUNIA!!!!

(muakakakakakakakkaakak!kakakakak!)

curry da bosan curry da bosan curry da bosan
(sing.....all together now!!!!!....kihkihkih)

p/s: friday lar...gimme a break....better yet a kitKAt?

this fine line.....

17 Mac 2005

here i throw...
another flow...
nothing to grow...
watched by a crow...

here i stand....
with my rubber band...
nothing to feel grand...
i could hardly hold u're hand....

here i wait...
something already late...
ure standing by the gate...
i was never there awake....

here i am....
as lost as i am...
as cold as c'yan...
as brown as my tan....

here i fear...
things so near..
nothing is clear...
would u save my tear?...

here's the line....
between being fine..
between hating whats mine...
as i'm losing this time.....

10.30am

note2_Self:*shop when im angry, piss when im hungry, swallow when i'm notty, run when i'm kinky, sleep wit no undie, lie when unworthy....
n life keeps the irony...
as i'm lost n puny.....
uuuuurgh!!!!*

akankah bertemu?

15 Mac 2005

lantas tersedar di awal ini...
lesu lara menteteramkan diri...
mata terbuka tapi enggan menatapi...
segala semua terkubur mati...

lantas terbangun ingin diciumi..
lesu menanti menenangkan hati.
pintu terbuka tapi dikau menyepi...
segala semua terkulai mati...

lantas berlari pantas mengejari...
lesu hati mengingatkan mati...
tangan kubuka sedekah dinanti...
segala semua berlalu pergi...

lantas berlalu sinar pagi...
lesu difikir kian hari...
tanah dibuka menanti hari...
segala semua datang membasahi...

lantas terfikir di sudut ini...
lesu mengamati wajah ini..
akankah mungkin aku dimiliki...
harapan terkubur terkulai mati...

lantas ku gergas melangkah pergi...
lesu menanti tak muncul lagi..
akankah mungkin bertemu kembali...
akankah mungkin tersemat lagi....

2.35pm

note2Self_i need to sweat off some fat today......(aaah?...)

is life all about updatting?????

14 Mac 2005

i like to wonder ...when nothing else left to ponder...of things that make me slumber..three months after december...

is life all but updatting?....like another day like this evening...files state only that and nothing...isn't life just amusing..

just when i thought its just for working...i realized my life also is about updatting...hows the cooking n the dating....everything they want some updatting..

why still asking...about that nothing....about that something...not worth wondering...
is it a sin ....to leave it juggling...is it a sin...to leave it pending...

i hate to answer..to things that make me ponder...things i better not answer..things i better keep slumber....

i lack updatting....but im here listening...
i lack socializing...but i'm here praying...
i lack calling...but i am willing...
i lack updatting....so leave me lying ...

ait?

note_ my periods due n left my LegalAddicts at home...so inspiration preety LOST ...HEHEHE.....i need some suga!!!.....aaaaah

rhythm of thoughts

10th Mac 2005

ive got loads this morning...
but i'm lost to say something..
brake this wall and stop lying...
if only i knew when i was flying...

ever felt like crying....
while u're laziLy watching...
them news bout them dying..
thru that puny tele that i feel like throwing....

ever felt like boring...
as u lay n trying...
tellin me e'thing's falling...
think u should b calling...

i've none left for whinning..
just leave myself spinning...
n u'll know i'll start buying...
once i know what's cooking...
(?????????)

ever felt like dying...
like on the rift of retiring..
as u're still up but laying...
as u wait for that calling...

ever felt like loving..
like the only breath worth saving...
like the one u left cold n starving...
like the time u need calm n craving....

these r just thoughts all living...
this is me crazy n depressing...
but i am still horny n laughing...
so lets go loud n go fishing

10.30 am.

ledakan ini...

9th Mac 2005

ledakan ini...
kala tragedi kian terjadi...
pergolakan sudah pasti.....
antara dua negeri...

ledakan ini...
kian menjijik hati..
sekali ku memerhati...
seringkali bertanya lagi...

ledakan ini..
kian melambai kembali...
dua negeri kian mengulangi...
sejarah lama mungkin dihidupi...

ledakan ini....
suatu yang pasti...
walau kerna kecil pulau ini....
walau kerna kecil sempadan ini...

ledakan ini...
memuntahkan benci...
antara dua negeri...
irihati semakin menjadi...

ledakan ini...
sentiasa akan kembali...
walau ribuan dihalau pergi...
walau ribuan diterima kembali...

ledakan ini...
akan terus menghantui..
akan terus menggaburi...
akan terus menghampiri...

ledakan ini....
mungkin akan pergi...
atau terus perlu berlari...
hadapi realiti ini...

kisah ledakan ini.



curry_n_crap
10.05 am

apa ku ingini

8th Mac 2005

terbuku erat di hati ini
segala mimpi tidak pasti
segala harapan tidak dikompromi
segala niat tidak dihajati...

terbuku dalam di minda ini
apakah arti kehidupan ini
apakah denai laluan ini
ke arah suatu yang diingini....

terbuku utuh di jasad ini
keinginan untuk melangkah pergi
tapi apakah itu misi ini
sentiasa pergi di kala begini....

terbuku ruas di tangan ini
suatu doa titian hari
akankah iman sehangat api
tatkala hari hati dicabuti....

terbuku ikhlas di hati ini
ingin mencari dikala menanti
sebelum pergi ku ingin amati
sebuah cinta yang tidak perlu dibeli....

terbuku jelas di ruang ini
walaupun hati sentiasa dikaburi
belum lagi ku miliki
belum pasti apa ku ingini.....

curry dan segala buangannya
(get it..get it...hehe)

8.30 am

note2Self_ eppy womens day.....celebrate by indulging wit something worthWhile...goodFood perhaps....( " ,)

p/s: i'm back...kihkihkihkihkihkih

*temporary out of service*

due to current events that has occured on a sudden basis

(aku accident lar people..kinda lost my inspiration to xpress...hehehehe)

curry_n_crap moderator would apologize for not updatting this bloggy lateLy...
she has just mended n her carPlate n will service her car this weekend...
n then hopiefully she will continue what she does best (u know bullshitting) after that...

( " , )

cheers!

ruang dadamu amat menjijikkan

26 Februari 2005

tak henti-henti kau pamerkan...
tak sudah-sudah kau war-warkan...
jelek aku melihatmu...
jijik aku memBau mu..

dikau gah bersuara...
dikau gah berkata-kata...
ku hanya kedu mengamati mu...
ku hanya bisu memahami mu...

dadaMu membuat ku pilu..
dadaMu membuat ku sayu...
hilangnya kasih berganti rayu..
tampilah saksi tragedi pilu...

di sudut kanan kau merayu...
di kiri pula kau memberitahu..
darah tragis deras meluru...
terusan kau papar di ruang dadamu...

ingin ku tutup segala mataku...
ingin ku rapat segala ruangku..
mau aja berkunci dibilikku....
begitu jijik ruang dadamu..

9.15 am

note2Self_ i hate the news!...its scaring me....

awan mendung di kala ini....

24th February 2005

tatkala haba menyelinap terang...
datang hiba teramat gersang...
datang duka terusan menyerang...
datang sayu tendangkan berang...

tatkala peluh deras mengalir....
deruan berita silih bergilir...
gerun di hulu, mati di hilir...
apakah erti darah mengalir....

tatkala kontang di hutan kota....
tidak disangka hati pun jua...
kering tanpa ikhlas pun tiada...
manusia berEkor menyerang semua....

tatkala bencana kian melanda..
seperti tiada insaf dirasa...
tikam, bunuh, sula semuanya...
seperti mainan orang muda....

tatkala firasat kiamat menjelma...
manusia seperti tidak menghamba...
datang malam buas segalanya...
mencabut nyawa bagai dipunya...

tatkala sinar kian mengabur....
manusia lupa tanah kubur...
darah mangsa habis tersembur....
hati suci hilang lebur....

tatkala perit menahan dahaga...
tangan ditadah mengharap dibela...
hati pilu melihat segalanya...
akankah mendung berlalu jua.....?

8.45 am.

MyDaiLyPrayers_ Lindungilah hamba mu ini , kedua ibu bapa ku abang adik ku, serta rakan-rakanKu sekalian daripada bencana mu, jauhilah kami dari azab neraka dan tempatkanlah kami di syurga teratasMu, ringankanlah beban kami pada hari ini, esok dan hari-hari yang akan datang, berikanlah kekuatan dalam menghadapi dugaanMu, berikanlah kekuatan di kala ketakutan, berikanlah kecantikan iman , tunjukkan lah jalan yang diredhai oleh mu...sesungguhnya hanya padaMu ku berserah.
Amin
( " , )

me to say....

23rd February 2005

look away...
don't u stay..
i'm goin away...
there's nothing to say....

i once want u..
but u gave me blue...
tho we stick like glue...
this is best to do...

i dont need to cry...
all i need is fly..
don't need to ask why..
all i need is rye...

look away...
as i go far, far away..
tho i'm here to stay...
this is me to say...

(noodz....i'm confusing u eh?...hehehehehehe...don't b)

note2Self_ to crave for something so badLy... to love 2SomeOne so VirginLy.... to xpress ureself so honestLy...n to dieAway quiteLy...
n these r myThemes for living...cheers!

as i lay myself n bleed....

22 February 2005

suddenly i'm here...
suddenly its clear...
there's something so dear...
but i just cannot hear..

i feel my neck light...
i feel my arms tight..
i've lost my way tonite...
my head is red so bright....

i thought u came to say...
i thought u wanted to lay...
damn u is all i can say...
as u left me there a stray..

all i ask is why..
u came to me n lie..
u know i would deny...
as u left me there to die...

it was u...
never thought this could b true...
as u stab me thin thru this time so blue...
as u made me bleed like a brew..

its time i am of need...
i call for u as so i plead..
u left me there..u let me be...
as i lay myself to be...
as i lay myself to bleed...

(this ones to all recent stab victims who happend to be all woman n my deepest lurve n tear for that foreign student who was found raped, sodomised n dead....may all of them who have brought u sorrow.....die a gruesome death!!!)

10.oo a.m

MyFinal *twenty5* ...farewell

18th February 2005

the thing about me is i always get melodramatic when it comes to change, saying goodBye, leaving or just plainLy goingSomePalace else or b someOne else...

do not know why but i have to b sad n cry when things change....even if its a good thing.....
yesterday on the news a single mom of 6 (or more) children..had to give away her children to welfare cause she couldn't take care of them anymore...so when the part she brought them to the van...n giving her last hugs to them...it just came naturally....i cried....i couldn't imagine what the mom is thinkin at that moment...or how is she going to go thru this....the rest of her days...without her reason to live?.....

these past few days..been horny, hyper, upset, depressed n most of all downWayDown there....n i don't know why....can't put my finger on which reason to put the blame on....

i roundUp the usual reasons :

1) i'm fat...n the society i'm livin in still judges that as a disadvantage..no matter how succesful, nice or honest u r

2) i'm sick....it controls my mood, the way i think, i behave n the way i fume myself up over little petty things...

3) i'm lost....been havin this blank feeling in my heart n in my brains....like no reason to live to breath to feel...no power to believe, conceive or even deceive...just that blank feeling in me...

4) i'm loneLy....i have no one specific person to crave for....specificLy misses me...or specificLy want to b wit me....just bein that "other" person, just a sister he never had, just to accompany, just frends....

5) i'm a bitch...i get confuse over things i'm sure of its origin...i get crazy over things i hate so much....i let go of things worthWhile... then i holdOn to things that of which..has no future...

6) i'm just a gurl...i still need to be yelled..i still need that lecture...i can never get enough of this attention...i can never run from this intention...after all...its my muse...its all i got...'

maybe what's been buggin me lately...is the fact that i'm turning 26...another stepping year before i'm 30....
n i can't help but feel like it was only yesterday that i was being so hyped out turning 20!!...(aish! how times fly)

neways...tommorrow's another day....a superday..i'll have fun, i'll be happier than today..i promise..i'll find things to make me content...i'll lay n watch tv till i dozeOff...i'll do my laundry even if it all turns pink...i'll live like any other day...

(if i'm given another day of course....)

or like 2Phat says...

"if i die tonite...u know it'll b alrite...just smile for me..."

farewell (twenty5)

10.40am.

masih.....?

16th February 2005

...masih ku tak berdaya..melupakanmu..
di hatiku berkata..
apakah sebenarnya cinta...di hati ini..hanya mainan semata

...........namun kau tak mengerti...
apa sebenarnya yang telah terjadi...

diri ini..
kau yang masih di hati..
tidak terdaya untuk mengundur diri
dari mu....

setelah engkau pergi...
tiada apa yang hadir di diri ini..
ku harapkan kau berubah hati..
semoga kau kan kembali.....
ke diri ini...

_Flop Poppy

note2_u *
( after all these years... seeinU still gives me the butterflies dear....)

maafkan aku...
tak mungkin aku akan kembali...
tak mungkin akan berubah hati...
dan sememangnya...
aku tidak akan mengerti.....
maafkan aku...



12.10am

a frend in need...is a frend to bleed

15th february 2005

i couldn't sleep lastNite..
hell i couldn't even breath either...
presents a blur.....past a mess...
future is just another test....
i was in that mood..
that bitchBiatchin mood...
n i couldn't sleep...i couldn't breath..

i couldn't see lastNite....
hell i couldn't even focus either...
present was watery...past a crust...
future is not here to discuss
i was in that mood...
that slut wit no gut mood...
n i couldn't sleep...i couldn't believe...

i couldn't think lastNite.....
hell i couldn't even hear either..
present was needy...past a dust...
future is not ours to trust..
i was in that mood...
that i don't give a f**k mood...
n i couldn't sleep..i felt so deceived...


and so i called u...
don't want to feel misUsed..
don't want to love this abuse...

and so i hear u...
don't want to feel blue...
don't want another cue...

and so i feel u..
don't want to be loneLy..
don't even feel loveLy...

and so i missed u...
don't want to lose u...
don't think u would to...

then u sensed me...
n felt rite thru me...
u just let me be...
as blue as i could be...

then u healed me...
u breath rite thru me...
u just let me be...
as me as i could be....

u're all i need....
in this time to be freed...
u're my frend indeed...
u're myOne i will bleed..

always...

note2Self_ Like times of lost (next time it happends....)
justBreath n listen....justClose u're eyes n lookDeep....
n like lastNite...u will see...u will believe...of things up this sleeve...
that will help u breath.

cheers Nizar.!..(this ones for u)
*thanks*

10.40 am

(L U R v E )....come away with me

14th february 2005

come away with me...
come follow me..
in this deepest desire..in my darkest marsala
come away to me..
come follow me...

my hearts no liar...
as i weep at this desire...
as i keep this tiara...
as i want u unattire...

come away with me...
come follow thru me...
noEver will i follow thee...
just whispers to swallow me...

myHearts no whiner...
just maybe a minor...
not even thinner...
not ever a failure....

i close myThoughts..
n keys to unlock..
but as i stood a block...
there was not a knock...

so as i surrender ...
what i usually slumber..
i ask u to follow me..
i beg u to come with me...

note2Self_ wearing red today does not increase the possibility of romance dropping by this valentines day or any day in particular....nor will it change the fact that ive become a lunatic in saying things honestLy....(aissssh!)
n that no matter how hard i wonder about ********
...it won't change anything....
i've said to much...i've tensed what's not....
my thoughts too lot...
for u ..myLancelot

p/s: my hols was a blast tho....

technoBimb's_..we should do this again (before u settleDown k)....hehehe...bet we'll turn bangi upsideDown if we were roomates....next time bring camera ait..like u said..i take ure's..u take mine...( " , )...
u know..u wit putrajaya..then me wit putrajaya
(what were u thinkin?hehehehehe)

chip_..nothing is more happier than to see a frend so happy...i'm happy for u for u're happy news...n i hope u stay happy u're whole life round...appyHappyHappyHorray ( " , )

(wonderin when's it gonna be my turn to "settleDown" my turn to have "happyNews"
....wonder....n wonder.....n wonder.....keep on wondering beb......aisssssh!)

livin in bangi part 2: havin it all 2myself

7th february 2005

i'm writing the second time today...
(new year is near for the chinese...dat means..no business for me....hehehe)

so its been a week...
n i've been weak...
n not forgetting sleek...
for this new..new... brick...

sometimes its scary...
most times weary..
as i sleep peace (rareLy)...
as i lay soft (hardLy)...

sometimes back in bangi..
i live myself uncanny..
as i give myself to mutiny...
as i dream of having immunity...

its hard to believe....
or even conceive..
as i'm thinkin this eve...
MyOwn home to ease...
my own place to please...

2.00 pm

what i've lurrrrrrve so far (livin on my own)

1) open the door of the kitchen around 6.30pm n i can smell fresh food bein steamed/fried/stirFry....
an automatic reaction will be visible in my stomach....
(if not..can hear somethingla..hehehe)

2) listening to music never sounded the same....suddenly i can clearly hear the lirics....n how dreadFul n pathethic it really is....till it can made me cry, cry n cry for no apparent reason whatsoever...( " , )...or laugh till i wanna pee so bad...heheheh

3) try havin no tv in the house....hey its not so bad....i've got all the time in my life to do...mmmm...laundry (again..i do handWash now...my hands are kinda rough...), reading books (i've become a worm already)....n be closer to my artistic (if ever does exist) side.....heheheh

4) havin a good cup of tea...wit my stars....n the wind...mmmm..pleasure....PurePleasure...especially when all snuggledUp in my fav sofa.....wit my blanket...mmmmmmm...(got all the oranges i need this festive season....hehehe)

5) walk around my kitchen for a drink in my undies....hehehe.... (naw ..JustKidding....heheeh)

6) to cradle this home like having a baby of my own...every corner just worries me....everyThing i do..i actually think n consider....n get this....i take responsibilities (shit that is impossible to believe....heheheh)

but i do hate this one particular feeling .....when i've got family here to entertain....so proudLy showing what i've done...
n when that time they have to leave...
suddenly it struckU....that sinkin feeling....that nudge in the stomach...
oh shit....just a few miniutes..i'll be sleeping alone .....
(like i said...still bein the goodGurl dat i am....heheheheh)

happy chinese new year to all celebrating n Y
amSeng to those who don't...go easy on the oranges aaah....
(n of course all other stimulants ait....heheheh)

curry_n_crapCrapCrappyCrap_curry

Drifters that stay to lay.....

7th February 2005

i'm a mess
i'm a wreck...
took my PhargeRetard850mg..
n still i'm lost...

last nite i hugged..
to something that stays..
something that would only fadeColour by day...
something i know won't go away...

i miss those times...
n all them nites..
when the moon was a lime...
n the the stars show might....

sometimes i'm a malay...
most times i'm a wreck...
no wonder no ones stay...
n say what the heck....

last nite i lay soft...
n wonder what i've done..
wonder if ever...forever i'll b gone...
wonderin maybe i am finally done..

i sit there still...
like i always will..
maybe its my skill..
that leaves people to kill...

sometimes its good...
to be away...
cause nobody stays..
c'mon gurl...just go away

8.45am

note2Self_ what was i thinkin tellin him that....what's wrong with me....don't i ever get a hint....don't i ever leave it to tint?...do i need to swallow this mint?...or should i follow all i'm in?

my feelings often playsucker to me...tellin me to be honest..in the most stupidest way...whakiest thought....craziest obsession....lunatic situation....till it makes me wonder...

have i lost all sein-nity?
or have i just lost myself?

".....maafkanla oh...andai lagu ini menganggu ruangan hidupmu..."_manBai

i'm a mess...
i'm a wreck.....

Red Rose Balm* and Roti John

5th February 2005

LastNite was fun....
as my hair's in a bun...
the building stood stunned...
for my redRedRose n Roti John....

evertyhing was a spun...
Mom dad n even my bun...
wanted to cook but i had non...
just my redRose n some roti John...

6and-a-half was all as one...
as the nite grew smoother like most of the bun..
mySuga was high n of course Goodfun...
thanx for the balm n the roti john...

Nothing feels like love from theOne...
one that binds all of us as one....
i must b obsess with number one..
cause this particular prose ends with One...!!! ( " , )

Oranges, kiwi n carnation...
are all stacked up in the frozen one..
i'm makin as ass out of everyone..
hard to find words that rhyme with one....

(kahkahkahkahkahkahkahkahkahkah!)

* RedRoseBalm- syrupRose taste lipBalm dat ma got me n SisLong from her newZealand trip. ( " , )

curry_n_crap,crap,crap,crap!....( " , )